We are all born vulnerable
vulnerability in safety to to create that future stability does that make sense well it makes sense of sensebecause vulnerability itself is absolutely essential for growth so vulnerability the word itself comes fromthe Latin word vulnerary to wound so vulnerability is our capacity to be wounded now the reality is that as humanbeings we’re all vulnerable from conception until death but when we’re hurt in childhood and thevulnerability is too painful to Bear we will try and shut down our vulnerability and forexample by being right because if I’m right then I’m powerful and I can’t be assailed anymore you knowbut when we do that we stop growing everything in nature grows only where it’s vulnerable so a crustacean animallike a crab inside a hard shell it can’t Crow it has to molt and make itself veryvulnerable to be able to grow a tree doesn’t grow where it’s hard and thick does it it goes where it’s soft andgreen and vulnerable the vulnerability is absolutely essential for growth and forvulnerability you gotta let go of those defenses such as being right that youdeveloped as a child in order to protect yourself from the pain so that’s why we talk about growing pains becausevulnerability is necessary for growth without vulnerability there is no growthwow that what you just said that is so beautiful you just said vulnerability isour capacity to be wounded if that’s what it means yeah that’s I mean that’s an incredible definition of the word Ithink we hear so many definitions of vulnerability but that that vulnerability I’m just going to say that again everyone write that downvulnerability is our capacity to be wounded how do we develop our capacity soactually let’s go back to Childhood we’ll come back to that so if we go to Childhood yeah what are the things happening currently that you perceiveand I know you talk about this in your new book The Myth of normal by the way everything we’re talking about is inthis incredible book The Myth of normal trauma illness and healing in a toxic culture if you don’t have it please goand order it now what is happening in our childhood in society I guess when you say things arenot happening to us there are still environmental impacts that are imprinting the potential for this woundto grow what are some of those things that are distorting our development in
The inherent expectations we all have
unhealthy ways in childhood the two things one is obvious like when the children are mistreated maltreatedabused sexually physically emotionally when there’s violence in the family or a parent is caught up in addiction orwhere there’s a rancor’s divorce and a lot of conflict in the home children are just wounded period but it’s moreInsidious and more ubiquitous than that because children have certain basicneeds now if we understand human if you want to understand the zebra or a whalewhere would you study those creatures in a zoo or an aquarium or out there in nature same with human beings so youhave to actually look at what are the evolutionary determined needs of human beings as inculcated or instilled in usthrough our evolutionary history and so we evolved with certain needs there usedto be this belief that children or what are called the tabular rasa you know an empty slate you can just write whateveryou want on it program the child in any way you want that used to be the prevailing belief it’s not the truechildren are born with not only just certain needs but certain
inherentexpectations so to give an example your lungs are aninherent expectation for oxygen because they developed in response to oxygen ifthere’d be no oxygen in the environment we’d have no lungs in the same way with the human child ithas certain inherent expectations and you can wound kids not just by maltreating them but by not meetingthose expectations when I asked the expectation I don’t mean a conscious expectation I mean an expectationinherent in the organism so children need unconditional living acceptanceby multiple adult caregivers which is how we evolved in hunter-gatherer groupsand lived that way for millions and hundreds of thousands of years children have a need not to have to workto make the relationship with the parents work so a child didn’t need rest from having tostruggle to make the relationship functional so they don’t have to be pretty or cute or compliant or clever orsuccessful or any of that stuff they just need to be and they don’t have to work at gettingthe parents to accept them that’s an essential need of the child when I
say essential I mean if it’s not met that’lldistort child development the third need is really crucial and inour society it’s hardly ever met which is the child needs the freedom to experience all the emotions that naturehas endowed her or him or they with so we have certain brain circuits for anger for love for playor Lust For seeking curiosity all these circuits are there for areason we share them with other animals we share them with Bear Cubs and puppies and little whales you know elephant theyneed to develop because they’re there for a reason Evolution gave it to us in our society parents are often advisedand taught to suppress certain emotional experiences on the part of the child that’s a wound to the child whichdistorts their development and has significant implications for health later on the fourth needfourth essential need is fee play out in nature free play spontaneous creativeimaginative play but that’s essential for healthy brain development we share that with other animals babyelephants play Bear Cubs play puppies play lion cubs playcrucial for play for brain development we know that now in our society we put cognitive development way ahead of playand I be deprived what children of play by giving them gadgets which deprives them of your imaginationso we’re actually undermining their brain development and their healthy unfolding as human beings sochildren can be wounded not just by bad things happening to them but by their needs not being met and in our societywhen you ask about the environmental conditions that are undermine health andand Child Development these environmental conditions in our society are inimical to a healthy humanunfoldment no wonder we have so many children in trouble with anxiety and ADHD and depression and the rate of achildhood suicide is going up and the number of kids being medicated with heavy duty medications multiplicity ofmedications is going up why because the conditions for healthy development are less and less available to them notbecause parents don’t love their kids not because they’re not trying to do their best but because of the conditions under which parenting takes placein this Society yeah just to share some of those stats that are in the book thatDr mate is referring to we have in 2019 more than 50 million Americans over 20 percent of the USadults suffered an episode of mental illness rates of obesity along with the multiple health risks it possesses aregoing up in many countries including Canada Australia and notably the United States where over 30 percent of theadult population reached the criteria and then this part millions of NorthAmerican children and youths are being medicated with stimulants antidepressants and even antipsychoticdrugs whose long-term effects on the developing brain are yet to be established so you know you share allthese insights and research and work what what I’m interested by is let’s saya child today is raised in that way I find it fascinating that if you thenmigrate that child into the real world if everyone is listening I’mdoing my quotation marks like real world they walk into this conditioned world that we currently have if we almostraised a village of children in in a I don’t know what the right word is but Iguess in a more natural way but then they evolved and had to get a job and work in the world
